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Daddys and Daughters

I had a conversation with my, well, my dad. I do not usually call him dad since he hasn't really been much of one in my life. I call him Chris. But even that doesn't feel right.
He is doing better each time I talk to him. The silly thing is how I do when I talk to him. I feel like I revert to a little girl again. You see Chris abandoned me at about the age of three or four. I don't remember it. I just remember one time he tried to come see me. He wasn't supposed to be seeing me. I think that was the time that the police had to be called and he took off over the back fence or something.
Anyway, he left and let my step father adopt me in order to avoid jail time for not paying child support. I think I was fairly content with this arrangement until I got to the pre-teen years. Thanks to his mother, my grandmother, I always got a pointed reminder that he was my "real" father and that he loved me, despite whatever my parents told me. Well, my parents didn't tell me anything. I was far too young to understand any of it. But I picked up on the drama and emotion of the situation. I always heard I had another "real dad" that "loved me" depiste never showing his face. Looking back now, I give my step father sainthood for taking these insults. You see he loved me for real. He worked for the food I ate, the clothing I wore, and the home I lived in. Chris never gave my mother a penny just like he promised her.
So I talked to my dad this week. I told him I was struggling. You see each time I have talked to him I see that he is getting more gentle, approachable and reasonable. This time he used a word that I have not been able to use. Abandoned. He said I had been abandoned at such a young age that it was no surprise that it had effected my emotions.
He was right. It has effected my emotions in so many ways. At 38 years old, I want to go back to being a little girl with an adoring daddy. I want to have a life with my daddy. I ask myself, why was it not enough that I had a great man step in to be my dad? Why do I need more? I don't know the answer. Maybe it was the age. Maybe it's natural. Maybe it's the way God wants me to feel. I often ask why I had to be born to these parents knowing that such hurt would come my way? It sounds silly. I'm sure I agreed to it before being born. I know many people have far worse upbringings. But now I know there are many reasons God put me there. It was my own personal trial. I have developed talents and understanding that others don't have.
Once as I was just beginning to understand this dance between daddy and daughter, I was visiting teaching and the woman confided that her daughter wanted to live with her father and how she struggled with this. I told her how I felt as a daughter just wanting my daddy and how the experience of living with my father had been good for me, although it didn't look positive on the surface. I felt like the Holy Ghost had used me for a tool and I had learned from the words given to me. We moved shortly after that. I got a card in the mail from her a few months later thanking me for sharing these comments and how it had helped her understand her daughter.
But there are other things that verify that this has been a learning experience for me. So is abandoning your daughter a good thing? Hell no! It caused more pain than I even yet can understand and not just for me. Like my dad said in our conversation, losing your family is the worst thing in the world. It hurts the mother, father, children, grandparents, siblings and, may I add, future spouses and families.
But I feel a childish wish. I wish that I could live near my dad and have a real living relationship with him. I want to share my life with him. I want him to see who I really am and be proud of me. But it will likely not happen in this life. The time for it is past now. But I have hope now. I feel strongly that in heaven we will get that chance now. Why now? Because he said that A word! Praise God, because he has repented!
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